Let’s discuss a common mental conflict that arises from our childhood experiences. Here’s a relatable example:
Imagine a boy and his mother sitting on a bench. A stray cat jumps up and sits beside the boy. The mother, distracted by her phone, misses the moment when the cat hisses and scratches the boy as he tries to pet it. Reacting instinctively, the boy pushes the cat away. The mother, now paying attention, scolds the boy for being mean to the cat. The boy, confused and reprimanded by his mother, internalizes a misleading lesson: defending oneself is wrong. This childhood incident can deeply influence the boy’s future reactions. Whenever he faces abuse or unfair treatment, he’s torn between standing up for himself or accepting the abuse to be ‘morally right’. Whichever choice he makes, he feels guilty – either for acting on his instincts or for not defending himself.
Consider a different scenario where as children, we engaged in some mischief, like breaking something. We’d anxiously wait for our parents to discover our misdeed, often imagining severe punishments. When the actual punishment occurs, it isn’t as bad as what we imagined. We felt a sense of relief and joy, having been ‘forgiven’.
These experiences create a cycle of guilt, punishment, and absolution that many carry into adulthood. The boy with the cat, now a grown man, finds this memory resurfacing in arguments with colleagues or family. Regardless of how he reacts, guilt follows, leading to self-punishment until he feels absolved, only for the cycle to repeat.
The key to breaking this cycle is to confront and reinterpret our past. Often, we suppress these pivotal moments, but recognizing and understanding them is crucial. This process involves forgiving ourselves and the others involved, acknowledging that the harm caused was unintentional. If it was intentional, understand that you have outgrown it and learned to let go. By comprehending the reasons behind these actions and accepting that no one is to blame, we grow beyond these past influences. We can then ‘reprogram’ ourselves, aligning our unconscious and conscious to create the life we desire.